September 2008

I haven't posted in a long time. I know.

So i've been going to school
and its only the third week of semester 2,
but i'm starting to feel tired and like i can't cope with everything here.

I think its pms but i don't know why
recently i've been feeling really down,
like i can't do as well, like i can't do so many so many things that i expected myself to be able to do.
Some things are getting more difficult and challenging for me, that i don't even know if i will ever been able to do well, or even to be able to them.

yea i've practised, but sometimes things just ain't going that well for me.
and i've spent so much time on one movement in my acrobatics class that i wanna cry liao cos i've been trying and trying and i still suck at it lah seriously.
omg, the day i get that right, i'll jump for joy man....
to think acrobatics used to be my favorite class and a class that i think i can cope better with..it doesn't seem to be the case now...

many of my classes are progressing quite well in terms of the level of difficulty.
sometimes i think as the classes get harder, even though i may not be able to perfect all the requirements, but i feel as if i'm working hard to get there, and i feel like i really wanna try it again and again till i feel comfortable dancing.

i really feel so bad about myself these few days actually,
and then today my acrobatics teacher said.."不要灰心"
because if you do so, you'll just keep getting worse and you'll not improve

so yea i must be more optimistic,
i'm trying hard in everything that i do now, in every class that i go for.
i really hope that i'll be able to improve much more this semester...

oh and i've gotten back my results for semester 1.
haha i got a GPA of 3.15
well thats actually a good grade in my class,
i think the highest is about 3.33, and there are only about 5 of us who've gotten gotten more than 3.00

but i felt like my heart sank the moment i saw my results because i really expected much more from myself. but i can't change the results...except to work harder this semester..

i think ever since i came to HKAPA,
everything that i do, the only person that i'll satisfy and disappoint is myself,
because only i care about how much i improve or deprove, so i really try to aim for the best.
hah i know that i'll never be perfect, but at least i really really wanna get as close to perfect as possible.

and the competition in class is getting stronger ans stronger, i feel as if i'll be left behind if i don't put in more effort.
everyday i go to school feeling like i really need to do better if not i'll really regret, and the feeling of nervousness and anxiety inside me is so great cos i'm scared that i'll just end up being nothing in the end.

i'm really a nobody in HKAPA..

i'm really scared eveytime i go for classes, rehearsals
and it really sucks cos i don't exactly feel happy while dancing anymore.....okay maybe i do, among all these negative feeling.
but somehow there is just this whole chunk of sorrow added into my life of dancing, about how i can never be as good as some dancers, about how i may never be able to perfect everything.

its getting more and more taxing for me to improve and be a better dancer.

i'm not even sure that one day i'll be a dancer that i can be proud of.

i really wish i have my friends here with me, to accompany me through all these sucky feeling that i have about myself
i miss everyone in Singapore really.

i miss all the laughing with you girls seriously..

RUIMIN